Antonio Banderas said, “Expectation is the mother of all frustration,” and let me tell you straight: this quote has been more accurate in my parenthood journey than anywhere else!
Today is my son's 19th birthday, and I cannot fathom how 19 years went so fast. While being a mom has unquestionably been my biggest blessing and favorite role in life, these last two decades have been a relentless teacher.
What to Expect When You're Expecting is Expectations
The moment you tell friends and family that you are pregnant, they begin to share with you what you should and shouldn't do as a parent. Mostly, their intentions are good and meant to be helpful.
The expectations of how I should parent, what I should volunteer for, how soon they should get a phone, when they should be allowed to date, and more piled on top of me. I felt like I was trying to traverse this sky-high mountain of parenting performance expectations that I could not scale.
So, I stumbled up and down the mountain, believing I was failing more than succeeding as a parent.
Self-induced Chaos and Friction
My son challenged teachers and did not get the grades I knew he was capable of. Does this sound familiar to you?
So, I had long conversations with him about how he could improve. I thought they were patient and thoughtful, but I'm sure he saw them as nagging. In high school, I got on him about his grades and how if he didn't take grades seriously, he would be limiting his college opportunities, future scholarships, and, ultimately, his potential.
As a parent, it is hard to watch your child, who you believe can do anything they put their mind to, not give it their best. I wanted nothing but a world of opportunity for him, one where he could decide whether to go to Virginia Tech or Stanford or become a doctor or PE teacher - but he could decide because he had choices. I just wanted him to create those opportunities by showing up and giving his best.
Amidst a heated discussion where frustration got the better of both of us, I had an epiphany.
Parenting Pressure
I was putting so much pressure on him because of my hopes, dreams, and expectations of him.
But his hopes, dreams, and expectations were allowed to be different. I didn't bring this beautiful boy into the world so he would be everything I dreamed of. No, I was blessed to steward his life so he could be everything he wanted.
And yes, as a parent, I could see better choices and paths for him, but that's because I made mistakes that I learned from. Wasn't he allowed the same?
Exhausted from the argument and what felt like years of arguing over grades and behavior at school, I looked at the boy that I loved more than a heart should be capable of and said:
"This is the last time I will argue with you about grades. I'm putting pressure and expectations on you, creating friction in our relationship. I will trust you to do your best; you know what your best is. You understand that your grades impact your future opportunities, and you don't need me to say that anymore. I love you, I want what's best for you, and what's best for you might be something I can't even imagine - but you will. No more fighting; I hope you choose to do your best, and no matter what, I love and support you".
Letting Go of Expectations
We didn't fight about grades anymore. When a 'C' or worse came home, I'd ask, "Did you give it your best?". Sometimes he would say 'yes' or 'no', and I created space for him to be introspective and talk about it or not.
About a year later, he came to me and said, "Mom, you were right, my grades are crucial, and I screwed up."
I looked at him and said, "Okay, what do we need to do now?"
It was an aha moment for me, I learned that when we let go of expectations, we can appreciate things as they are and experience the journey unfolding instead of forcing a path.
So, we had a conversation that my son led, and I merely peppered in ideas. I dropped the expectations of how he should show up, perform, and behave and the notion that everything he did reflected my parenting.
Some of his decisions were his own, his stretching and growing, and his free will. They didn't make me a better parent or a worse parent. They made him a teenager finding his way.
I did not get everything right, but my kids will always know they are fiercely loved, and it's okay to be a work in progress.
The Path Forward
By redefining and managing expectations, parents can create a nurturing environment that allows themselves and their children to thrive. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Our job is to show up for our kids with love, guide them, let them stumble, and be there to dust them off.
Embrace the journey, celebrate small victories, and cherish the unique bond you share with your children.
What expectations of yourself do you need to let go of? What expectations are you holding over others that you need to release?
Sending you lots of love.
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